Disclaimer – this is raw, not well written and super honest. It doesn’t paint the prettiest picture of my life but it’s the truth.
Ok, here’s the deal: I do not like blogging. I want to like it, I want to be good at it but honestly, it feels like homework and the actual practice of sitting down and writing a blog stresses me out. I want to blog more often and keep people informed about my life in Uganda (although that feels like I am being a bit self-important), however, it always comes down to what to write. I feel like blogging is somehow like Facebook, there is this tendency to only post the positive things and not always the entire truth. I’m not saying that we should be posting our innermost struggles on Facebook but it feels artificial sometimes. It is my tendency to blog about the good things that are going on and even in the tough times how God is providing and comforting me, and all that is true. But that is not the entire picture and while I’m not sure this is the right forum to discuss the other stuff that isn’t so fun, I feel a responsibility to give a fuller picture on this blog. And since this is my blog, I guess I can write whatever I wish.
I knew moving to Uganda by myself, being the only white person in the village would be difficult. I expected to struggle with loneliness and frustration and cultural differences but I guess I had an inflated view of myself and in my ability to handle the issues. I say this because so far, they have been far more difficult than I ever imagined. I also knew that I wanted to come to a place where all I truly wanted was Jesus. And while I knew that place would be a place of hardship, I never imagined it would take coming to a place of crappy, lonely, crazy tough situations where I don’t know which way is up and I feel like I am having a crisis of faith several times a day to truly only want Jesus. I guess it makes sense when you think about it. When else would you only want Jesus? If things are good, if they are great, if they are even just ok, I don’t think we’re at a place of only wanting Jesus. We may want him, but not only him because I imagine in those situations we have other good things as well. I guess the key to only wanting Jesus results in desperation. And that my friends, is where I am (FYI – word grammar program just told me that is a fragment and not a sentence but writing is not my spiritual gift so I am going to leave it. Sorry to those who are bothered by poor grammar). I’m not trying to get you to feel sorry for me or say “woe is me,” I am merely trying to be honest because I have read far too many blogs written by people in similar situations as me and they seem to have lives of great joy and fruit (in the spiritual sense) and it makes me feel crazy. It makes me wonder if I am doing this all wrong to be experiencing this level of struggle or possibly they are also dealing with it but choosing not to write about it, which is entirely their right.
Moving on in the spirit of honesty and vulnerability, I guess I’ll include a few updates of what is going on over here with my life. I just returned from a short visit to the US to see friends and family, and I can positively say that if it weren’t for these amazing people, I would have lost my mind a long time ago. They are wonderful and I am missing them in big ways right now. But now that I am back I have a few things on my plate. First of all I am on a mission to move out of my current apartment. I have spent the last 14 months living in Nkumba, very close to the school and church. However, it is time to move on and that makes me super sad and scared. I know it is necessary to leave but it doesn’t make it easy. I have spent a year getting to know the kids and people in this community and moving on to another place does not seem like fun. With that, I am also walking away from the ministry here in Nkumba. For reasons that I will not mention, I will no longer be working with the school or church. Again, it is necessary but I do not like it. With that said, I did find a new apartment on Saturday and it is exactly what I need but it still feels scary. Moving is never easy and even if you move 15 minutes away, it can feel like hundreds of miles because of all the new faces and new places. And I’m scared of being lonely (in all honesty). My current neighbors are awesome. However, it is a huge blessing to have found a place so quickly, so I will thank God for his provision.
Through all of this I have experienced wonderful gifts of God and met several of His precious, loving children but I have also seen the other side. It makes me incredibly sad to see the brokenness of people, the pride of people and the sin that surrounds all of us, but when things get this tough I think we get to the exact place where God wants us: where we desire only Him. The next step after desiring Him is to depend on Him and trust 100% in Him. My dear friend has this statement on her Facebook, “I want to be in situations where only Jesus can get me out of because I followed Him there.” I love that, it true but from my experience those situations are not the easy places and I am not sure I have the courage to follow Him to those places – one of those things that is easier said than done. They are the places where I doubt God, where I don’t feel like I can trust anybody and where I find myself in a place with absolutely zero idea of what to do.
With all of that said, do I have good days here? Absolutely. Do I have days where I can really sense God’s presence? Yes. Do I have hard days where I am comforted by knowing that God is in control? Certainly. Do I have days when I feel like this is where I am supposed to be and this is where God wants me? Yes. However, I also have days when I question if I made a huge mistake in coming here. I have days and moments when I question if God loves me and is going to coming to my aide (ok, this is me being so vulnerable right now). I have days when I don’t know what to do or how to serve the people that surround me. But in all of that and through all the frustration and tears I try to turn to God and His Word because, after all, that is all I have, whether I feel it or not.
So, there is it. An honest view from a girl who truly desires to love God with all her strength, mind, heart and soul and a girl who wants to be who God created her to be but is just having a hard time getting there.
