I look back on my last post and cannot believe it has been over a month. I clearly need to update this more often. Over the last month I have thought of several things I would like to blog about, but the truth is that I am a bit intimidated to share. I cannot figure out if this is more of an update of what I am doing, my day-to-day living or if this is a space where I share my feelings, the hardships I am experiencing – more of an online journal. I have decided that I am going to put myself out there and share how I am really doing, what life has been like over the past month and trust that those of you that read this will not judge me, but rather pray for me.
February was extremely difficult. That is the truth. February was filled with a lot of tears, a lot of doubt and a lot of fear. However, at the same time God provided more than I could ever had imagined at that time. When I decided to come to Uganda last summer, I had two main objectives. First, it was my desire to draw closer to God, to come to depend on Him for everything, to find myself in a place where all I had was God. The second was to serve God by serving the kids in Uganda. Well, I got exactly what I wanted. I found myself in a place where all I had was my God and it was a crazy emotional experience of pure desperation and absolute peace that God was in control. For over three weeks I would wake up each morning and immediately be overwhelmed with intense feelings of anxiety and loneliness. I felt like running. I felt like crying. I felt like God had abandoned me. I felt like God had blessed me with everything I could have ever asked for and then suddenly was taking it all away. I felt foolish. I felt like I was being attacked. I was counting down the days until I went home. I had quickly fallen in love with Uganda and truly felt like it was were I wanted to be for a long time but now all I wanted to do was go back to Chicago. I had met the love of my life, the man I want to marry but now all I wanted was my family and friends at home. I looked around and felt incredibly scared.
In a moment of desperation I emailed a few of my friends and family, and it is amazing how God used them in that moment. My dear friend challenged me to surrender to God. To surrender everything I had to Him. She challenged me to surrender my dreams, my past, my future, my fears and just cling to Him. She told me to picture myself sitting on God’s lap, me crying while He rubs my back, whispering that everything would be ok. I kept that image in my head all day, I prayed my way through the anxiety. I kept reminding myself that how I feel is not always an indication of the truth. Anxiety and loneliness are not of God and I know (regardless of how I feel) that I am never truly alone. God promises us that He is forever by our side. I took each moment as it came.
One particular night I was really struggling. Everything in my body was telling me to go home, to cry, to go to sleep but I had Bible club with some of the girls in high school so I went and God showed up in huge ways. We spent a lot of time in prayer that night. I had shared on Luke 15, the parable of the lost sheep and our value in God’s eyes. It is ironic how what I was sharing with the girls was the very thing I needed to hear for myself. I prayed that I would physically feel God’s arms around me. I prayed that I would know and feel with my heart that I am deeply loved and cherished by God. As Bible club ended, I joined some of our girls in the dorm. As I was sitting on the floor with girls sitting next to me, one of the little girls, Fatuma, was lying on me, with her arms around me and in that moment I looked down at this precious 9 year old little girl and it was as though I was looking at Jesus. As I looked at Fatuma I saw Jesus and He was holding me. I looked at Fatuma and felt in my heart that God deeply loved me. He used this little girl to hold me and it was amazing. I have never experienced anything like that in my life and it was truly incredible. I am so grateful for Fatuma, my dear little girl who was used by our God to meet me in an incredibly difficult place.
God is so good. He opened my eyes to what is of Him and what is of the Enemy. I know that my instinct to keep all of this to myself and not share my struggles with those I love is garbage and pure nonsense from the Enemy. God wants us to pour out our struggles to Him and turn to our community for prayer and support.
I am now in the Brussels airport on my way home and cannot believe it is March 4th already. God is amazing. I am in awe of His goodness. I am in awe of His love. I am in awe of His provision. I am in awe of His compassion.
Now, I am fully aware that this entry is getting a bit long but I have to share one more story. Last week on of the kids at our school, Sharif, ran away from the school and went to Kampala. Sharif is around ten years old and spent several years on the streets before being brought to our school late last year. I have developed a special bond with Sharif and was absolutely heart-broken when he left last week. However, it wasn’t the first time it had happened and I knew we couldn’t force him to come back so I had to trust that God was protecting him and would bring him back sometime. On Monday, about 4 days after Sharif left, I went to Kampala to visit with one of my friends who runs a program for street children. It is an amazing ministry and one I hope to get more involved with over the next coming months. When I showed up, I found my sweet, dear boy Sharif there. He had been on the streets for several days, was covered in dirt, had on no shoes and had clearly been doing drugs. He greeted me with a huge smile and quietly asked if I would take him back. My heart leapt for joy. I was so excited. We moved around the city getting him new school shoes (his were stolen) and getting dinner. The night was absolutely exhausting and as we headed home in a taxi (more like a city bus), Sharif collapsed on my lap and slept the entire 90-minute ride home. As I looked down on my sweet boy I was overcome with an intense feeling of peace and love. This is exactly where I want to be. As we pulled up to the school we found a few kids outside and as Roger (an incredible boy and Sharif’s friend), ran up to Sharif and gave him a huge bear hug, lifting him off the ground. I felt like I was witnessing my own version of the Return of the Prodigal Son. Sharif had run away. He had left all the good things of the school – food, shelter, love, and clothes and went to the streets to drugs, no food, nowhere to sleep and no one to care for him. But as he returned, it didn’t matter, our dear, sweet boy was back and it was time for rejoicing!
I still have feelings of anxiety and loneliness but I know that God is with me and Uganda is where He has me. I will go home to Chicago if it is God’s will but I will not go back because of fear or loneliness, that would be playing into the Enemy’s evil plan. I knew that if I showed up in Uganda, willing to serve God that He would use me and I still feel that way now. God is using me and despite the struggles, I am going to choose to seek Him with all I have and hold as many children as possible in the process.
